You, and perhaps your partner, will soon be starting fertility treatment in order to fulfil your wish to have a child. This can also be an intense period for you psychologically and socially. Here we would like to inform you about the possible impact you can expect, what you can do to strengthen your ability to deal with it and where you can go for extra support.

The impact of a fertility programme

During your treatment programme, you may experience any number of the psychosocial effects listed below. Your partner may experience them as well. This is normal and it is nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about.

Psychological impact

A fertility programme can be an emotional rollercoaster: you’ll go from feeling hope at the start of a new treatment or cycle, to fear and uncertainty during the weeks of waiting, to anger and sadness if you receive bad news. The loss of control, the powerlessness, difficult choices and all the practical arrangements that come with a fertility programme can cause a lot of stress.

Fertility problems and the physical side effects of the treatment can affect your self-image, including your sense of masculinity/femininity. Even during pregnancy following successful treatment, it is normal to feel anxious and to not necessarily find yourself suddenly radiant with joy.

Social impact

Some patients prefer to keep their fertility process private, while others do inform (some of) the people around them. Family and friends can offer support, but not everyone is always understanding. For example, well-intentioned advice or minimizing reactions can come across as painful and make you feel lonely.

In your immediate environment, on social media and in the streets, you are constantly confronted with young families and pregnancy, which can lead to feelings of envy. Avoiding this confrontation can lead to social isolation. For many people, contacting fellow sufferers who are going through similar experiences can be helpful.

You may also feel an impact at work. Fertility treatment cannot always be planned far in advance and regularly has to take place during working hours. This requires flexibility from your employer and colleagues. That is why it may be useful to discuss your situation with them, although not everyone needs to be informed.

Relationship impact

A fertility programme can also seriously put your relationship to the test. After all, everyone deals with the stress that comes with the process in his or her own way and as partners, it can sometimes be difficult to understand each other.

We often see that women have a greater need to express their emotions and worry more, while men are more inclined to look for solutions or distraction, and feel a sense of powerlessness (although this varies greatly from one individual to the next). Partners can also be a tremendous support to each other and therefore even strengthen the relationship.

In addition, the one hoping to get pregnant mainly 'undergoes' the treatments, and the partner may feel relegated to watching powerlessly from the sidelines, often receiving less attention from the people around them and the medical staff. This can disrupt the balance in the relationship.

You can also experience an impact in terms of sexuality. Sometimes couples feel the need for more intimacy during the stressful period of fertility treatment. Although it is often the case that the frequency of sexual relations tends to decrease, due to a combination of physical, psychological and relationship factors.

The unfulfilled desire to have children can often put pressure on a couple’s sex life. For example, sex may have become less spontaneous due to trying to time it to coincide with the fertile period. Additional stress can also arise during the examinations and treatment, for example by having to perform 'on command' when submitting a sperm sample. During the process, the desire to have a child is disconnected from intimacy and sexuality, which on the one hand can completely remove the motivation to make love, but on the other hand can also open up new space for spontaneity.

Tips to strengthen your resilience

People are resilient, and can get through difficult times. There are a number of things you can do to strengthen your resilience and thus better contend with the impact. In this way, you can stick with a fertility treatment for longer and increase the chance of fulfilling your wish to have a child.

Self-care

Try to feel what your body needs and take time to rest. This will be different for everyone: maybe you relax through yoga, sports, mindfulness, or a sauna visit alone and/or together with your partner. Taking care of your body, for example with a tasty, healthy meal or going to the hairdresser can also be helpful. A fertility programme can take a long time, so take care to conserve your energy, and don't be too hard on yourself.

In the flow

What activity or interest makes you feel ‘in the flow’, when you lose track of time and are able to recharge your batteries? Is there anything you enjoyed before starting the fertility treatments, or maybe even a childhood hobby? It can be good to not have to think about the fertility process every now and then and to feel that you are 'more' than just an unfulfilled wish to have a child.

Setting boundaries

You have the right to say no, for example, to an invitation to a baby shower if it is too confrontational, or to say something if people around you express an inappropriate question or reaction. You can also talk to your employer if the workload is too high, possibly with the help of a confidential counsellor or the company doctor. Sometimes a break in the fertility process is a good idea if you feel that it is becoming too much for you. You should always discuss this with your doctor.

Expressing emotions

As described above, strong emotions often arise during a fertility treatment. You don't have to keep them bottled up inside. It can be a relief to allow yourself a good cry, talk about your emotions, write them down or express them creatively, for example, through drawing or music.

Time for your relationship

Try to be understanding about the fact that everyone has their own way of dealing with the situation, and find a balance between talking about your concerns on the one hand and making time for fun, relaxing activities on the other.

If talking is difficult, you can use a back-and-forth notebook where you can share thoughts and feelings with each other. Humour and moments that bring you back to the feeling of being in love again like at the beginning of the relationship give you energy and a boost to the relationship. Be aware that periods of little sex are normal. Look for other ways to show affection and feel connected.

Seek support

It is advisable to also confide in one or more people outside of your possible partner. Everyone offers support in his or her own way, and like this, you can ‘distribute the labour’ of providing support.

Feel free to indicate what kind of support you need. People around you often don't know how to react. Informing your employer can also be useful, so that absences due to treatment can be taken into account.

However, be aware of what information you share and with whom. Not everyone needs to know everything, that way you can avoid annoying questions. For example, you can choose to inform some close friends or relatives about your fertility programme, but not to announce when the next attempt is planned so that you can choose whether you want to talk about it or not. Contact with fellow sufferers or a conversation with a professional counsellor can also offer support.  You will find more information about this on the next page.